Couples Therapy

Couples therapy has proven highly effective in helping resolve the inter-personal disputes that lead to stress and requires far fewer sessions than individual therapy to see positive results. Here’s how couples therapy can help your relationship:

Understanding
It may sound obvious, but having a solid understanding or at the very least enough understanding to meet each other’s core needs is a must. Relationships are, after all, a continuous process of getting to know one another, so it would be unrealistic for you to know every facet of your partner’s character. However, even this can prove to be a stumbling block for some people, as they’re either unsure of how to take an interest in their spouse or open up about themselves. They might lack confidence or be guarded due to being scarred by past relationships. Getting to know your partner in a therapeutic setting allows you to do so in a safe environment, and one in which you’re encouraged to be honest with one another without the fear of judgment. One of the most effective short-hand ways of creating this bond between you is through getting to know your partner’s love map i.e. their wishes, worries, dreams and joys. Through learning what motivates each other, it enables you to empathise more deeply with your partner’s wants and needs.

Communication
Communication is the lifeblood of all good relations. However, the problem lies in that although you think you’re saying one thing, your words can often be interpreted in completely the opposite way. This inevitably leads to inflammatory situations and standoffs, in which each party feels they’re right. In a couples therapy setting, you’re encouraged to become mindful of the language you use with one another to avoid these kinds of dramas. One of the most effective ways of disarming these trigger points is through the use of the ‘I’ statement. By taking responsibility for your own feelings in a neutral manner rather than using an accusatory ‘you’ form of communicating, it allows you to express yourself without causing the other person to adopt a defensive stance. An example of this might be, ‘I feel that when (situation) happens, it makes it very hard for me to (feel/perform). Can we find another way?’ This type of exchange is also typically known as ‘non-violent communication.’ Getting used to relating to each other in this way might feel a little awkward at first, but with practice will come to feel quite natural.

Trust
In cases where trust has been broken in your relationship, couples therapy can help facilitate the rebuilding process. If, for example, you’re struggling with betrayal, you’ll be guided step by step towards re-establishing your connection with your partner. This requires providing full disclosure of events from both sides, as even in cases where there is an obvious offender, a proper understanding of the issue must be gained to help rationalise what has happened. You’re then both encouraged to express and let go of your anger, as there may be feelings of resentment on the part of the offender just as much as there might be justifiable anger with the victim. As you move forward onto the commitment stage, this is where you will make agreements about what you expect from one another and would be an ideal opportunity for you to put the ‘I’ statement into practice. The final rebuilding of trust is based on forgiveness, which can be offered and accepted in an instant, but ultimately takes time to heal. From that point, it is the responsibility of you both to treat your relationship as a fresh start, free of resentment, being fully transparent with each other about how things will be from now on.

With a suitably qualified psychologist or psychotherapist, you can start to explore, as a couple, how unhelpful responses to stress and to certain behaviours are contributing to the problems you face.

After an initial meeting with your therapist, they will provide an assessment and tailor the therapy according to your needs. The assessment process normally occurs over three 50-minute sessions, carried out over three weeks or a shorter time frame, including both a joint session and two individual sessions. These give the therapist a good understanding of the problems at hand, and on this basis they will devise and explain a treatment plan. Couples therapy can be carried out using a very structured approach, such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), or by using a less structured approach based on Psychodynamic or Systemic approaches.

If your therapist feels that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is the best approach for you, as a couple, they will take a structured approach to therapy, that will include giving you tasks between sessions. Some of the interventions used in this approach are as follows:

• Looking at the thoughts and beliefs held by both partners, including those that they might not have already shared.
• Exploring how to communicate these thoughts, beliefs, and feelings more effectively.
• Examining the couple’s behaviours and how these impact on the relationship.
• Exploring how to create change based on the couple’s respective treatment goals.
• Practicing different communication skills in the session.
• Engaging in interventions to achieve positive change.
• Increasing positive behaviours in the relationship.
• Assigning tasks between the sessions to help the couple to achieve change.
• Creative approaches including, for example, videoing the couple’s communication without the therapist present in order to gain as much insight as possible, journaling, and more.

CBT sessions are typically weekly at first, gradually decreasing in frequency as you make progress as a couple until you no longer require therapeutic support.

For some couples, a less structured approach, such as Psychodynamic or Systemic Therapy, can be more adept. Together with your therapist, you will explore the two different personalities in the relationship and the dynamic between the two. Interventions are integrated into the sessions with a view to improving the couple’s relationship, and both parties’ backgrounds and early life experiences are explored, towards understanding how these impact on the status quo.

As the couple continues to go through couples therapy, they receive feedback on issues including how they communicate with one another and are taught tools and techniques to help them to manage their relationship in a more positive way, while breaking unhelpful behavioural patterns.

Whatever the approach, throughout therapy, your therapist will continue to monitor your current situation, and track progress.

If you would like to talk to someone about Couples Therapy, please get in touch with the Private Therapy Clinic or book online to arrange an appointment.

Psych Central. (Jul 8th 2018). 3 Skills Taught in Couples Therapy That All Couples Can Benefit From. Retrieved on 11th June, 2019 from, Link

Psychology Today. Bonior, A. PhD. (Sept 19th 2017). Should You Go to Couples Therapy.Retrieved on 11th June 2019, from, Link

Psychology Today. Degges-White, S. PhD. (Sept 19th 2017). 10 Steps to Effective Couple Communication.Retrieved on 11th June 2019, from, Link

Gottman Institute. Retrieved on 11th June , 2019 from, Link