Codependency

One of the main facets that define a codependent relationship is the drive to serve others in a manner of “fixing” them. It often involves the overstepping of personal boundaries and is done to demonstrate value to that person to ‘strengthen’ your relationship.

Someone in a codependent relationship is always fearful of the status and health of their relationship. This leads to the willingness to either regularly agree with requests that are not in their best interest, or else offer themselves – and their time – at the expense of something they would rather do themselves.

Individuals with codependency believe that their relationship could end at any time, which makes the thought of abandonment a very real fear. This often feeds into increased behaviours that seek to make up for the perceived shortfalls in their character. Over time, these overcompensating behaviours lead to the further dissolution of boundaries.

In being so preoccupied with what they feel they should be doing for others, it can be very hard for these individuals to recognise and respond to their own needs. This weighting of responsibility towards their partner makes it difficult for them to become aware of their own emotions and provide themselves with appropriate levels of self-care.

As the fear of abandonment is so strong, the need to control the outcome of all interactions is one that informs much of their intent. The hope is that by avoiding any form of conflict, their relationship will remain on a sure footing, and thus their ‘value’ to the other person will be maintained.

Because of the tendency towards putting other’s needs before their own, the individual will often experience bouts of extreme indecisiveness. As their main priority is the appeasement of others, their decision-making process can become impaired, which can make any independent action increasing difficult, and further entrench them in co-dependency.

The feeling of not being enough or worthy of someone’s time is often prevalent within individuals in codependent relationships. This can manifest as a lack of confidence in their relationship and is one of the fundamental character traits that inform other associated behaviours. The low sense of self-esteem will leave the person believing they’re going to make mistakes in the relationship, and be thus be in continuous need of approval.

Being co-dependent can often feel like a constant cycle of people pleasing and feeling responsible for everything and everyone around you. Although it may be difficult to battle this at first, breaking this cycle can be a big step into finding yourself and finally being able to attend to your own personal needs and start recovering from co-dependency.

Recovering from co-dependency requires self-awareness and being truly honest with yourself. This is key to figuring out how to turn away from your bad habits.

Co-dependency may look like:

• Feeling responsible for other’s emotions
• Not trusting your own judgement and poor decision making
• Fear of abandonment and rejection
• Difficulty communicating your thoughts
• Struggling to identify and communicate your needs

When identifying these traits, it’s vital to practice self-compassion and reassure yourself that your codependency does not define you. Blaming yourself may be your initial instinct, but you need to treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion you would provide for other people.

Seeing others as an extension of yourself and not being able to prioritise yourself can be detrimental for your mental health. Reflect on both your physical and emotional needs, and how you may feel they are not being met. This can often be uncomfortable as it may not be in your nature to be in tune with their own feelings. By working through these uncomfortable emotions, you can learn more about yourself and develop a stronger sense of self.

You may need to start by meeting your basic physical needs, for example by exercising, eating healthy and maintaining a sleeping pattern, and then move onto more difficult inner work like determining your core values in relationships and how people around you make you feel.

Understanding boundaries with others can often be difficult if you don’t trust yourself or feel responsible for maintaining people’s happiness. This is why exploring your co-dependency is an important step, it allows you to identify when you are investing too much energy in someone else.

To ease yourself into this, remind yourself that you have the right to prioritise your needs and no matter how the other person responds, you are still doing the right thing. Boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships and you should not feel guilty or selfish. Be respectful of the other person’s needs and validate their feelings but also be very clear of what your expectations are. Explaining yourself as simply as possible can help the other person understand why you are setting the boundary.

In general, one person in the relationship experiences the need to “help” the other, to the point of excluding them from all decision-making about themselves, while the other responds by presenting as passive and unable to function without this support. It can become very difficult for either of them to move beyond this situation, as their very identities have become essential to the other’s basic well-being.With help, most people in codependent relationships can learn how to recognise what they are doing, and to learn new, healthier behavioural patterns. Therapeutic approaches such as psychodynamic therapy and cognitive behavioural therapy, often alongside exercises to practice at home, and possibly in conjunction with attendance at a support group, can help people to create sustained change and to learn how to live in a more functional way.

If you would like to talk to someone about issues relating to codependency, please get in touch with the Private Therapy Clinic on Whatsapp message at: 7511116565 email, chat bot or book online to arrange an appointment.

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